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Mental Blocks

As of today I am completely caught up on everything on my official to-do list before having a baby. Most importantly, I’m again current on schoolwork which was weighing heavily on my mind. We have all the necessary baby gear and clothes are washed and ready for wearing. Husband’s busy season at work is officially over as of today (until summer). We had a lovely sit down with my doula last night to make sure we’re all on the same page. Midwife and I are on the same page. I am officially ready to have a baby.

I have absolutely no fear about actually giving birth. None. My body was made for this. I am going to have this natural VBA2C for all the women who have providers that won’t let them try. I am going to do this to prove that I’m not broken just because I’ve been cut and scarred. I can’t wait to do it and I can’t wait to hold this baby in my arms.

I’m ready!


37 and change

I saw my midwife last night for my weekly appointment and was reminded of exactly why I chose her. She helped me refocus. The end of pregnancy is rough and it can be difficult to not get caught up in wanting it to be over NOW. But I’m almost there! So close! I survived nausea and extreme fatigue in the beginning! It was horrible when I had to sit at my desk pretending to not be pregnant when I felt like I was turning green and the world was spinning! I survived all the trials that would have risked me out of a vbac. My placenta isn’t near my scar, my baby isn’t breech. I have had an amazingly health pregnancy and definitely my easiest yet. Someone is on my side here, right? Things are going well FOR A REASON! Now, I just need to chill, try to enjoy feeling limbs get stuck under my ribs and ride out these last few weeks! It WON’T last forever! Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready for this baby to be here, I still have things to do!



That means ~26 days to go!

I’ve been seeing a chiropractor to have the Webster technique done. It is AMAZING and I wish I had known of it sooner! My hip, back and pelvic pain has almost completely disappeared! Even more exciting – my belly has dropped! This NEVER happened with my prior pregnancies! Even after the induction with my son, when he was delivered by c-section, he was still high in my pelvis. Having a baby head so far down is a totally new sensation!

Additionally, the chiro has been doing some adjustments to help with the acid reflux/ heartburn. I haven’t had a problem in a week!

I can’t believe how close I’m getting to go time!

You can walk down the pregnancy aisle in any bookstore and become instantly overwhelmed. There are SO many choices and it is so difficult to know the “right” books to read, especially if this is your first pregnancy! Then, if you have a specific opinion or mindset about how birth should go, you have to weed through the lemons to get to the books that are going to prepare you for the place you need to be when you’re ready to give birth to your child. Pregnancy can already be a very overwhelming time for a woman with all the changes happening to you physically and mentally. If you’re like me, you probably don’t have the patience to sort through books to determine what you want or need to read. Here are some fabulous suggestions from Bellies and Babies. She touches on books for EVERY type of mother – from those who want to be knocked out and let the OB handle everything to those who want to give birth unassisted in a field. The main point of the post is also to tell you what to stay away from (those fear-mongering What to Expect books top her list.) The most important thing is to educate yourself on your choices before you make them. Don’t make choices blindly and don’t let someone else make them for you! Do you reading and do your research and become a strong, empowered pregnant woman taking charge of your own pregnancy and birth.

My personal favorites off the list:

Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth
– I love Ina May. She has this soothing quality about her writing that reminds you that you are MADE for this. I could read her over and over again and I probably will keep reading this book until I give birth. She eases my fears and puts me in the right mental place.

The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth
– Henci Goer goes in-depth explaining interventions and why you would or would not want them. This book is a great read if you want to know why you should skip that epidural or if you want to be aware of all the benefits and risks when you decide you want to get it.

Your Best Birth
– Ricki Lake talks to the average woman. This book, along with her documentary, The Business of Being Born, explain in simple terms what your options are without swaying your opinion. She’s just putting it out there that THIS IS WHAT IT IS. The surprise ending to a documentary lending itself largely toward homebirth is a cesarean section.

Too many traumatic deliveries

Almost one in 20 moms may have traumatic delivery

I read this article today and it really struck home. Only too often do I hear this: “The attitude is that you survived and your baby survived: Be grateful.”

The panic attacks and nightmares that I have are dismissed. I shouldn’t care about those feelings because I have a “healthy baby”. I shouldn’t worry about the feelings of extreme helplessness that I’m STILL dealing with surrounding birth. All I should care about is that my baby is “healthy”. What if it is true that the way we come into this world shapes who we are?

I read stories like the ones that happened to these women, like having a vaginal exam without permission or having membranes ruptured without knowledge or permission and I get ANGRY. Why is this acceptable behavior from medical professionals? Why is it ok for a doctor to stick his hands in a woman’s vagina, despite her protest when if it were outside the hospital it would be considered sexual assault?

I am again so completely grateful that I am able to have the care of a midwife during this pregnancy.

Bonus links for you:

5 Reasons Dads Should Demand a Doula

5 More Breastfeeding Myths Busted


In a surprising turn of events I find myself being judged by people I thought would be most supportive.I’m completely taken aback and very hurt. I’m trying not to dwell on it but it is consuming me. Why would these people feel the need to judge the choices I have made for my pregnancy, my uterus and my baby?

Surprisingly, my mother and my MIL are turning out to be my cheering committee. I was terrified to tell my mother my plans. She had two csections herself and I was sure she wouldn’t understand. Instead, she’s very excited for me! My MIL is just a worrier by nature so I expected some questions and concerns but instead she’s sending me emails about successful VBAC stories! She delivered her second as a a breech baby herself but then years later had a section for her third who was also breech.

I’ve done so much research on VBA2C. I’ve talked to medical professionals. I have a supportive provider. I have done so much to educate myself as fully as possible on the risks of both VBA2C and a third cesarean. I know that is the right decision for me and my baby.

Why am I having to defend myself to people I thought I could trust?

medication and fear

“In fact, many women who choose to labor without medication do so because they fear the consequences of unnecessary intervention, including the trauma and postbirth pain of cesarean section.” Ina May Gaskin

I love this quote. People often ask me if I’m scared of the pain of childbirth or the iconic inquiry about whether I think I’ll get a medal for giving birth without drugs. The truth is I have more fear of getting a needle in my back or the well-known hallucinatory effects of narcotics during labor than the actual pain that my body was designed to handle. Aside, no one in our culture thinks about the effects of pain medication on baby, or should I say that providers don’t educate women on the risks to their babies from pain medication during labor and in a culture where pain relief is the expected norm many women don’t even realize that this is something they should be researching themselves.